The writings of Oddpoet

So I’m dead.

How do I know?

When you die there is this pre-recorded mes­sage that plays in you head.

“You might be con­fused at the moment but let us assure you that you are indeed dead and we will be ser­vic­ing you shortly. Please wait in line and we promise an eter­nity of bliss awaits you. Thank you for your patience, the Management”

Now I am really pissed, I’m dead and I have to deal with voice mail? Bad enough I had to deal with it when I was alive.  At least they didn’t have an Indian accent…

So I’m wait­ing in line and there are some dick­weeds in front of me who are piss­ing me off. I’m hold­ing back because I am per­pet­u­ally pissed and I don’t want to cause a scene. The last thing I need is to get a Rep that I am a dead loose cannon.

Now the dicks in front of me are all excited about see­ing Mom and Dad and Grandma and Pa again… I’m like shut the fuck up and who gives a shit.

Now three places back there is a croc­o­dile in line. I’m like what the fuck is a croc­o­dile doing in line with dead humans? Nor­mally I would kick it’s ass but he is a big sucker about 20 feet long and rather large teeth. I want to start a con­ver­sa­tion with him, let’s face it how many oppor­tu­ni­ties do you get to have a con­ver­sa­tion with a dead fuck­ing reptile.

So I mosey back and say, “Yo croc what the fuck you doing here?” Believe it or not he has these read­ing glasses on and he speaks with an impec­ca­ble British accent. I’m like “This is too fuck­ing cool.” He tells me is name is Peter and he was rein­car­nated as a Croc he was king of France at one time. I’m doubt­ful; of course it seems every­one at one time was King of France. He seems like a cool dude. So I ask the obvi­ous ques­tion, “What the fuck you doing in line with dead peo­ple shouldn’t you be in the croc­o­dile line?” He apol­o­gizes pro­fusely and tells me even though he is a croc he still feels like the King of France. Who am I to argue.

I ask him if he wants to go to the Bar and he does. Now dead peo­ple drink like fish and the bar is packed so I ask him if he minds clear­ing a spot for us and he quickly chomps two fuck­ers down and WA-La we have seats. We start hav­ing a good time, he is a funny fucker and he has me laugh­ing my ass off over sto­ries about bang­ing the Queen of Eng­land. Shit, he said he nailed about all the royal pussy in Europe. I’m jeal­ous because all I nailed were some crack whores and an occa­sional mar­ried woman. What are you going to do.  Now the loud speaker announces “now serv­ing the dead croc who was once King of France” He apol­o­gizes and picks up the tab. I’m like “totally cool man”

He leaves and I’m stuck dead with fuck­ing humans. What are you going to do.

Tags: Crocidile, drinking, eternity, God, heaven

This entry was posted on Friday, December 25th, 2009 at 6:39 pm and is filed under Humor, Prose. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.