The writings of Oddpoet

Ever go to the super­mar­ket to buy tooth­paste and you’re con­fronted with about 100 choices? If you’re like me it’s like, “What the fuck! why you doing this to me?” I hate mak­ing deci­sions. And don’t get me started on deodorants.

Deities are like that, you got thou­sand of choices and they’ve been around longer than tooth­paste or deodor­ants. Ya got your monothe­ists, poly­the­ist, ya got Gods as celes­tial objects, nature, inan­i­mate objects, Shit, Native Amer­i­cans believed in a giant tur­tle, no shit and ya won­der why they lost all their land? Their God was much too slow to help them and by the time the fucker got it’s head out of it’s shell their land was gone. Poof. Never pick a Turtle.

Gods have been around since we col­lect­edly real­ized we were all pretty much fucked in this world. So If bad things hap­pened our God(s) was pissed so we had to please him by gath­er­ing lau­rel leaves, sac­ri­fic­ing goats, vir­gins, our kids what­ever as long as we didn’t have to sac­ri­fice our­selves. We are indeed a self­ish lot. But it gave us the delu­sion of input or con­trol into why we are always get­ting fucked over. It gave us a process for input or influ­ence into Real­ity which is basi­cally the ran­dom­ness inher­ent in our exis­tence. This process is reli­gion, a struc­tured means to influ­ence our God(s) of choice regard­less of how bizarre that process might be.

This write is a sorta like a movie review. I will rate who I con­sider the coolest, mean­est and most dyna­mite God(s) to choose from so you don’t have to think too much I mean who likes to think, right? Soo…

The list is far too long so I’m gonna get rid of a few thou­sand with some basic rules I think we all can agree on.

I’m highly sus­pi­cious of any Reli­gion less than 1500 years old they go right in the hop­per. Let’s face it if your God was asleep for most of recorded Human his­tory and decided to show up say in 1830 as he appar­ently did to Joseph Smith;well he ain’t much of a God, or he has some kind of sleep dis­or­der. Savvy? So the Church of Lat­ter day Saints or Mor­mon God goes bye bye. Same goes for the Jeho­vah Wit­nesses which were founded in 1852, not only will I shit can their God but I urge the imme­di­ate exe­cu­tion of all it’s mem­bers. Who can argue with that?

All the “ticism’s” such as Zoroas­tri­an­ism or Mys­ti­cism or Asceti­cism while they’ve been around a long time. I just don’t like the sound of their names, too fuck­ing long And if I don’t like the name of your reli­gion then they get shit canned also.

All the east­ern reli­gions such as Hin­duism, Bud­dhism, Tao­ism go out the win­dow sim­ply because I have no idea what the fuck they are talk­ing about. Nir­vana? what the fuck is that? Ain’t it a band? Besides the dick­heads I see in Amer­ica who think they’re cool because they walk around say­ing Namaste get on my nerves. Those reli­gions require shit like med­i­ta­tion, spir­i­tu­al­ism, con­cern for all life forms and as an Amer­i­can I have no time for that shit.

The Roman Gods? Fuck them too. They are Ital­ians and I hate Ital­ians besides the Romans never had an orig­i­nal thought in their lives, check it out. They stole the Greek Gods basi­cally word for word they change their names to plan­ets, Aphrodite became Venus, Zeus became Jupiter. So fuck the gin­nies and their Gods.

Now the meat and pota­toes.
Greek Gods were hands down the coolest Gods out there. I believe the forced retire­ment of all the Greek Gods from the deity pan­theon the great­est spir­i­tual tragedy in our lives. Take Zeus, all he wanted to do was get laid, no shit his whole God­hood was involved with get­ting Pussy. He even fucked his sis­ter. And the shit he did for pussy was astound­ing dis­guis­ing him­self as a bull, a bird. Now I thought I was inven­tive in get­ting laid Zeus was… well a God at it. And they were petty, revenge­ful, self­ish, mean, self cen­tered. Just like us. Yea, I miss Olympus.

The Nordic Gods ya know Odin, Thor, Loki they scare the shit outta me them fuck­ers just wanted to fight, maim and kill. They never had time for fuck­ing cause they were fight­ing all the time. Yea, Asgard was one large keg party that got out of hand. But they do have some cool stories.

Now the Monothe­is­tic heavy­weights.
Judaism which is old tes­ta­ment God. Well as pricks go the Jew­ish God was a real prick. That fucker killed peo­ple for fun, flooded the earth, destroyed cities. Yah­weh had absolutely no sense of humor. Not sure if he ever did one kind thing, I’m seri­ous, it was like he was con­stantly con­sti­pated and took it out on mankind. The Jew­ish God was a para­noid fuck always test­ing peo­ple to see if they loved him. He even fucked over Moses. Got news for you Jew God you’re a real Cock­sucker and nobody loves you! And for you Jews out there you can think what ya want but maybe he’s not com­ing back it’s been at least 3000 years per­haps it’s time to take that extra serv­ing of din­ner­ware off the table.

Islam, they barely make the cut mak­ing its first appear­ance to some towel head in the sixth cen­tury A.D.. These dudes are bor­der­line east­ern reli­gion and I’m not sure what the fuck they’re talk­ing about either. They took the old and new tes­ta­ment did a quick rewrite and told the world, “Hey, we found a new God!” Really? Where was he hid­ing? In the desert? Hey if I was a God that’s where I would hide, no scenery, no water, per­fect. Islam and Chris­tian­ity share a com­mon bond, they have the most fucked up rad­i­cal fol­low­ers of any reli­gion. And you can’t fuck with their reli­gion either they get all prissy about it. Which of course requires me to say, fuck you Islam and fuck you Mohammed. You’re noth­ing more than an expan­sion team!

Finally Chris­tian­ity
My incul­cated faith. Chris­tian­ity has a real iden­tity crises cause you got Catholics, Epis­co­palians, Luther­ans, Methodist. It’s like make up your fuck­ing minds will ya? Chris­tian­ity is one big mind fuck no one knows what they believe in. It’s all new tes­ta­ment about this cat named Jesus. Now Jesus was a pretty cool guy he threw some nasty fish and wine par­ties and the shit never ran out. The trou­ble with Jesus as a deity is that he really got fucked over in the end. And deep down inside every Chris­t­ian won­ders, “Wow, if God did that to his son what the fuck is he going to do to me?”

As reli­gions go Chris­tian­ity is a log­i­cal night­mare and all the chris­t­ian writ­ers really had to do some cre­ative writ­ing to explain Chris­tian­ity. “Jesus was God, no I mean the Son of God, no I mean a part of the Holy Trin­ity, and we drink his blood and eat his body at mass” No we’re not can­ni­bals it’s like, eh… sym­bolic” and “Who the fuck made up that Vir­gin birth story? How the fuck do we explain that!” “ Yea Chris­t­ian writ­ers are top notch they have to be.

Well there you have it my place in hell once again firmly estab­lished. Now I hear you “What do you believe in Odd?” I have a strange way of think­ing and I come at “God” kinda back­wards. Cause I know evil exists, I see it, it’s real and it’s a spir­i­tual entity that is here on earth right now. So there has to be a good or a God so to speak cause if there wasn’t we would have killed each other long ago. Now don’t ya hate when I’m serious?

Respect­fully sub­mit­ted,
The Odd­est of Poets