Deities are like that, you got thousand of choices and they’ve been around longer than toothpaste or deodorants. Ya got your monotheists, polytheist, ya got Gods as celestial objects, nature, inanimate objects, Shit, Native Americans believed in a giant turtle, no shit and ya wonder why they lost all their land? Their God was much too slow to help them and by the time the fucker got it’s head out of it’s shell their land was gone. Poof. Never pick a Turtle.

Gods have been around since we collectedly realized we were all pretty much fucked in this world. So If bad things happened our God(s) was pissed so we had to please him by gathering laurel leaves, sacrificing goats, virgins, our kids whatever as long as we didn’t have to sacrifice ourselves. We are indeed a selfish lot. But it gave us the delusion of input or control into why we are always getting fucked over. It gave us a process for input or influence into Reality which is basically the randomness inherent in our existence. This process is religion, a structured means to influence our God(s) of choice regardless of how bizarre that process might be.

This write is a sorta like a movie review. I will rate who I consider the coolest, meanest and most dynamite God(s) to choose from so you don’t have to think too much I mean who likes to think, right? Soo…

The list is far too long so I’m gonna get rid of a few thousand with some basic rules I think we all can agree on.

I’m highly suspicious of any Religion less than 1500 years old they go right in the hopper. Let’s face it if your God was asleep for most of recorded Human history and decided to show up say in 1830 as he apparently did to Joseph Smith;well he ain’t much of a God, or he has some kind of sleep disorder. Savvy? So the Church of Latter day Saints or Mormon God goes bye bye. Same goes for the Jehovah Witnesses which were founded in 1852, not only will I shit can their God but I urge the immediate execution of all it’s members. Who can argue with that?

All the “ticism’s” such as Zoroastrianism or Mysticism or Asceticism while they’ve been around a long time. I just don’t like the sound of their names, too fucking long And if I don’t like the name of your religion then they get shit canned also.

All the eastern religions such as Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism go out the window simply because I have no idea what the fuck they are talking about. Nirvana? what the fuck is that? Ain’t it a band? Besides the dickheads I see in America who think they’re cool because they walk around saying Namaste get on my nerves. Those religions require shit like meditation, spiritualism, concern for all life forms and as an American I have no time for that shit.

The Roman Gods? Fuck them too. They are Italians and I hate Italians besides the Romans never had an original thought in their lives, check it out. They stole the Greek Gods basically word for word they change their names to planets, Aphrodite became Venus, Zeus became Jupiter. So fuck the ginnies and their Gods.

Now the meat and potatoes.
Greek Gods were hands down the coolest Gods out there. I believe the forced retirement of all the Greek Gods from the deity pantheon the greatest spiritual tragedy in our lives. Take Zeus, all he wanted to do was get laid, no shit his whole Godhood was involved with getting Pussy. He even fucked his sister. And the shit he did for pussy was astounding disguising himself as a bull, a bird. Now I thought I was inventive in getting laid Zeus was… well a God at it. And they were petty, revengeful, selfish, mean, self centered. Just like us. Yea, I miss Olympus.

The Nordic Gods ya know Odin, Thor, Loki they scare the shit outta me them fuckers just wanted to fight, maim and kill. They never had time for fucking cause they were fighting all the time. Yea, Asgard was one large keg party that got out of hand. But they do have some cool stories.

Now the Monotheistic heavyweights.
Judaism which is old testament God. Well as pricks go the Jewish God was a real prick. That fucker killed people for fun, flooded the earth, destroyed cities. Yahweh had absolutely no sense of humor. Not sure if he ever did one kind thing, I’m serious, it was like he was constantly constipated and took it out on mankind. The Jewish God was a paranoid fuck always testing people to see if they loved him. He even fucked over Moses. Got news for you Jew God you’re a real Cocksucker and nobody loves you! And for you Jews out there you can think what ya want but maybe he’s not coming back it’s been at least 3000 years perhaps it’s time to take that extra serving of dinnerware off the table.

Islam, they barely make the cut making its first appearance to some towel head in the sixth century A.D.. These dudes are borderline eastern religion and I’m not sure what the fuck they’re talking about either. They took the old and new testament did a quick rewrite and told the world, “Hey, we found a new God!” Really? Where was he hiding? In the desert? Hey if I was a God that’s where I would hide, no scenery, no water, perfect. Islam and Christianity share a common bond, they have the most fucked up radical followers of any religion. And you can’t fuck with their religion either they get all prissy about it. Which of course requires me to say, fuck you Islam and fuck you Mohammed. You’re nothing more than an expansion team!

Finally Christianity
My inculcated faith. Christianity has a real identity crises cause you got Catholics, Episcopalians, Lutherans, Methodist. It’s like make up your fucking minds will ya? Christianity is one big mind fuck no one knows what they believe in. It’s all new testament about this cat named Jesus. Now Jesus was a pretty cool guy he threw some nasty fish and wine parties and the shit never ran out. The trouble with Jesus as a deity is that he really got fucked over in the end. And deep down inside every Christian wonders, “Wow, if God did that to his son what the fuck is he going to do to me?”

As religions go Christianity is a logical nightmare and all the christian writers really had to do some creative writing to explain Christianity. “Jesus was God, no I mean the Son of God, no I mean a part of the Holy Trinity, and we drink his blood and eat his body at mass” No we’re not cannibals it’s like, eh… symbolic” and “Who the fuck made up that Virgin birth story? How the fuck do we explain that!” “ Yea Christian writers are top notch they have to be.

Well there you have it my place in hell once again firmly established. Now I hear you “What do you believe in Odd?” I have a strange way of thinking and I come at “God” kinda backwards. Cause I know evil exists, I see it, it’s real and it’s a spiritual entity that is here on earth right now. So there has to be a good or a God so to speak cause if there wasn’t we would have killed each other long ago. Now don’t ya hate when I’m serious?

Respectfully submitted,
The Oddest of Poets

Did we not draw swords together?


I saw you on the field
Haloed and strong
None dare stand before you
Your sword flashed argent in the Sun
As your strokes fell
Demonic wraiths cowered and wept
And cursed the fires that spawned them

But there were too many
There are always…
Too many

The last thing I saw
Was
Your smile
…
…
…
A trail of tears leads
To that
Cold and cavernous hole that awaits you
Ground hard won and truly fought

Your Demons are vanquished
Your sword pitted and notched
Your scars vibrant and glowing
Lay it down my Brother
Lay it down

Merge with the leaf my friend
Let rain water anoint you
And wash your wounds clean
Pay no more heed to time’s march
Or the din of evaporating transience
Embrace the light that bathes you
And…
Sleep my Brother…
Sleep

Time flows like monstrous tendrils
Clutching at him
He fights them off
They don’t stop
Clutching, grabbing, seeking…
His arms wave incessantly
Even when

He lies down
closes his eyes
But I know
They never stop seeing
His spittle marries the cold concrete cell floor
Human comfort an alien thought
He is somewhere else
Always

Some ignore him
Most laugh
I can’t
Colors roll off him
Mourner’s Black
Blood Red
And blues
Blues from a sky I have never seen
Greens from fields only Gods can trek

They come for him
Take him wherever they take madmen
Plugged into a machine somewhere
Talking to aliens
Selling stock futures

The cell settles into drab gray
And dreary sameness
fuck stories and jail terms
But
No madman…

The Peak no longer grasps for the Sun
It’s shoulders huddled and drawn
Beaten down by time
It’s hands
Centurions
Marching towards distant conquests
Beating footpaths on it’s once proud crest

It settles unto itself
Taking council with memory
Past dreams of glory and vibrancy

Dims
Flickers
A candle which no longer battles darkness

The Mountain falls
yet
Remembers…

While God’s malformed Hell hounds
suck pungent nectar from barbed plants

Yet she sings
With arms raised her words do battle
Flashing argent against the coal black sky
Coruscating and relentless
Blazing and incorruptible

While God’s demons devour
Soul charms and innocence.

Her ship voyages dangerous seas
Sailing amidst heart’s cost and pregnant tears
Her verse a nimbus
Freeing dreams to roam where they will

While God seeds blackened crops
And broken wills

Casting runes like wizard spells
Enchantments that climb rainbows
With vines of creation healing broken souls

While God’s wraiths
Sow tears among the fallen

She sails on rivers of blood
Aboard screaming ships
Silhouetted by doomsday words
And flashlight dreams

I am tired

I am lost in the promise
Of candlelight flames
Dancing across vehement intrusion
Behind my eyes
Burning away reluctance
The lack of acceptance
For here
I dream freely

Satin sheets
Wrap warmth about the room
Singing songs
To stop time
For all eternity
The air is sweet
As sweet as the dew
Licked from heavenly sleeping bodies

Shallow breath
Stirs rhyme with its rhythm
Echoes through golden corridors of sleep
Perfect chambers embrace
The petals scattered softly
At my feet
I step on none
In my ascent into the paradox

Light breezes soothe
Yet ne’er to capture attention
Only a mere wisp
Of chestnut locks fallen across the eye
Of yearning
Can cause disturbance
Disrupt the glance into forever

I beg of dreams
To find me
Plead at the feet of wandering
To turn back
And brush petals across my lips
To temper the alarm

I lie silent

©Jen2010 6–27

European Kings trying to make a comeback
Tout inbred genes and palace intrigues
Every Thursday night right after “The World ain’t got no talent”

Cancer genes rise and float on amorphous clouds
Laughing and giggling
Consulting with the oracle of the damned
before descending on Joe the mailman
Two weeks away from retirement.

Me?
I’m just Rollin & Tumblin
Rollin & tumblin
Wonderin
If the Gods have Gods

Dreamers vomit up yesterdays
Prepackaged
In standard belief patterns
Strands of innocence
Find no purchase
evaporates
Lonely motes
Dusting Gaia’s weary bones

Me?
I’m just Rollin & Tumblin
Rollin & Tumblin
Wonderin
If the Gods believe in their Gods

Fire red blood
paint a landscape
Only I can see
Softened by the gentle blue of stillborn babies
Mouths frozen in perpetual why

Brides dressed in white
With pungent piss stains
Running down sequined trains
Promise immaculate conception
to well oiled machines

Me?
I’m just Rollin & Tumblin
Rollin & Tumblin
Wonderin
If Gods can be atheist
or are they just
Rollin & Tumblin
Rollin & Tumblin

How do I know?

When you die there is this pre-recorded message that plays in you head.

“You might be confused at the moment but let us assure you that you are indeed dead and we will be servicing you shortly. Please wait in line and we promise an eternity of bliss awaits you. Thank you for your patience, the Management”

Now I am really pissed, I’m dead and I have to deal with voice mail? Bad enough I had to deal with it when I was alive.  At least they didn’t have an Indian accent…

So I’m waiting in line and there are some dickweeds in front of me who are pissing me off. I’m holding back because I am perpetually pissed and I don’t want to cause a scene. The last thing I need is to get a Rep that I am a dead loose cannon.

Now the dicks in front of me are all excited about seeing Mom and Dad and Grandma and Pa again… I’m like shut the fuck up and who gives a shit.

Now three places back there is a crocodile in line. I’m like what the fuck is a crocodile doing in line with dead humans? Normally I would kick it’s ass but he is a big sucker about 20 feet long and rather large teeth. I want to start a conversation with him, let’s face it how many opportunities do you get to have a conversation with a dead fucking reptile.

So I mosey back and say, “Yo croc what the fuck you doing here?” Believe it or not he has these reading glasses on and he speaks with an impeccable British accent. I’m like “This is too fucking cool.” He tells me is name is Peter and he was reincarnated as a Croc he was king of France at one time. I’m doubtful; of course it seems everyone at one time was King of France. He seems like a cool dude. So I ask the obvious question, “What the fuck you doing in line with dead people shouldn’t you be in the crocodile line?” He apologizes profusely and tells me even though he is a croc he still feels like the King of France. Who am I to argue.

I ask him if he wants to go to the Bar and he does. Now dead people drink like fish and the bar is packed so I ask him if he minds clearing a spot for us and he quickly chomps two fuckers down and WA-La we have seats. We start having a good time, he is a funny fucker and he has me laughing my ass off over stories about banging the Queen of England. Shit, he said he nailed about all the royal pussy in Europe. I’m jealous because all I nailed were some crack whores and an occasional married woman. What are you going to do.  Now the loud speaker announces “now serving the dead croc who was once King of France” He apologizes and picks up the tab. I’m like “totally cool man”

He leaves and I’m stuck dead with fucking humans. What are you going to do.

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