Pentagon officials announced they fucked up again in their eight year pursuit of 911 mastermind Osama Bin Laden.  Award winning journalist Oddpoet revealed that Bid laden was not in North Waziristan but actually working as an animator for the Walt Disney Company.  When pressed Pentagon bigwig Gates admitted that Bin Laden penchant for changing one letter in his named befuddled the Pentagon’s brain thrust.  The plug wearing Gates said, “It’s really not our fault we were looking for Osama Bin Laden and he was working as Osama Ban Laden, You have to admire him, he is a crafty son of a bitch.”  The pentagon wunderkind went on to state that he believed Bin Laden had outside assistance and probably four or five foreign nations were involved in the nefarious scheme.  He urged all Americans to remain suspicious and terrified.

Scientist announced they had nothing really to announce.  They did say the quest of cures for children leukemia, cancer, aids, global warming were continuing at a snail’s pace.  “But on the bright side we discovered after intensive research that when you rip a lab rat’s ears off they make a really cool screeching sound.”

A group representing the “Real horror writers of America” urged a boycott of the phony Vampire movie “New Moon”  It’s an outrage, you have 13 year old chicks fingering their sludge pods over some cute vampire who don’t even suck blood.  What the fuck?  He predicted dire consequences on the continued fagification of American youths.  “Let’s face it a vampire is suppose to tear your throat out and they never fuck, sheeze”

The National Organization of Woman’s news conference announcing the group’s legislative initiatives urging the “castration of all males” was disrupted by the iconoclastic Oddpoet.  While overturning tables and tossing dildos at the “lesbian fucks”, Oddpoet announced his own agenda. He planned to “coldcock any chick who pisses him off” to demonstrate He turned and dropped a female reporter who got too close.  In the melee that followed Oddpoet was remonstrated by an associated who screamed, “she was not a lesbian Oddpoet, she was a pretty cool nymphomaniac who would fuck any man who looked her way or bought her a cup of coffee.” the never remorseful bard said, “Fuck the bitch, they’re all dykes in training”   As he was being led away to a waiting police wagon he urged all lesbians to continue making “Dyke flicks”, and that “he was still a sucker for girls going down on each other.”

In related news, Oddpoet planned to publish from prison his controversial annual Yuletide extravaganza, “very cool suicide letters.” The gang raped deviate stated that he had the “utmost respect for anyone who up and offed themselves.” The American Business alliance rejected the post and urged anyone in the depths of despair to hold off on killing themselves till after the holidays.  That “the consumer driven American economy needed every present bought and paid for by aforementioned emaciated American poverty stricken consumer, It’s no time to be selfish”

And every word of it is true…