The writings of Oddpoet

Chil­dren: a soci­o­log­i­cal per­spec­tive (The Role of Chil­dren in today’s social milieu)

As many of my avid and often rabid read­ers know I am an “ist” mean­ing, of course, I am any­thing end­ing in “Ist”. Allow me to don my Soci­ol­o­gist cap and explore today’s topic. Children.

Let’s jump to it, okay? I fuck­ing hate kids! There I said it. I can hear the entire con­glom­er­a­tion of Women’s group’s vibra­tors drop­ping to the floor in one large thud. Kids are the sacred cows in our soci­ety, no one really cares about them, but Women’s groups use them like The­seus used the Gorgon’s head to slay the Kraken. Yea, the bitches use them to gain eco­nomic advan­tage, to wit, child sup­port, hous­ing priv­i­leges, wel­fare pay­outs, free med­ical care… The list is end­less.
Hav­ing sup­plied man jism to women’s vir­ginas on numer­ous occa­sions I have man­u­fac­tured at least two of the lit­tle douche bags. Both my kids are bright, flawed and Psy­chotic, kind of like their father. Let’s exam­ine my bio­log­i­cal constructs:

Christo­pher Leo Mount: That lit­tle fucker owes me at least $40,000.00. Stole my car, money, basi­cally any­thing he could get his hands on. I really fuck­ing hate him but I must admit to hav­ing a grudg­ing respect for him. He is a thief of bib­li­cal pro­por­tions. The fucker makes Al Capone look like a bully steal­ing school­yard nick­els. He rou­tinely uses stolen social secu­rity num­bers to gen­er­ate credit cards. The fucker actu­ally ran his own employ­ment ser­vice at his last job, no shit; the trou­ble was the com­pany didn’t know about it, yea, he was charg­ing peo­ple to work there. Chris has balls the size of Jupiter.

Edward A Mount: My name­sake. What a mis­take he was, Eddie is a walk­ing adver­tise­ment for con­dom use. How­ever, he scares the shit out of me, no lie. I’m still pay­ing child sup­port for him and he is 75 years old. As a child I became con­cerned when he would bring home dead and muti­lated ani­mals. I remem­ber saying,

“Now Eddie it’s really not appro­pri­ate to tear the legs off ham­sters and watch them run around in cir­cles.”
“Why not daddy?”
Well he had me there.

He actu­ally recre­ated the cru­ci­fix­ion of Jesus using Ger­bils, Ham­sters, and the neighbor’s pet dachs­hund who had the mis­for­tune of play­ing Jesus. I found the poor lit­tle pooch nailed to a makeshift cross with Ger­bils and Ham­sters play­ing Roman sol­diers. I’ll never for­get the look in the dachshund’s eyes just before he was speared by overzeal­ous Ger­bils; it was like, “Yo, do some­thing about your kid will ya!”

Admit­tedly I should have insti­tu­tion­al­ized him but I fig­ured as long as he was killing ani­mals I was some­what safe while sleep­ing. Yes, I am selfish.

Now, what can we do with our kids? Here is a lit­tle fac­toid for you par­ents out there. Despite tak­ing them to Church, Soc­cer, Boy Scouts and the plethora of chil­dren activ­i­ties your kids have a 3% chance of turn­ing out some­what decent. And those idiot par­ents out there who think their kid is going to be the next Linus Paul­ing kill your­self will ya. The sta­tis­tics are in and your kid has a 97% prob­a­bil­ity of being a douche bag.

So what do we do with them?
1. Elim­i­nate Child Labor laws. The gooks have the right idea put them to work in fac­to­ries. They don’t eat much and if they give you any lip you can eas­ily kick the shit out of them. And if they die? Who cares, fuck and have another, they are eas­ily replaced, a build in replen­ish­ing nat­ural resource. Why we haven’t done this already is a mys­tery to me.
2. Why we put good men, who should be in bars drink­ing and get­ting shit­faced, into mines is a crime. Let’s use the kids to do all our min­ing oper­a­tions. They are small, agile and have a bet­ter chance of crawl­ing out of cave-ins. And if they die? See above.
3. This one is for the sport­ing enthu­si­asts out there. Let’s hunt them. What hunter can resist the idea of hunt­ing a four year old girl in the woods? Imag­ine the thrill of your 30 odd six with a cry­ing, bab­bling lit­tle child in your sights? You know you fuck­ers should be pay­ing me for this!
4. Let’s farm them for body parts. If you get sick go to the kid farm and use one their organs for any require­ment.
5. If all else fails let’s eat the lit­tle fuck­ers, we have starv­ing men and women who don’t real­ize they have per­fectly edi­ble food in their homes.

Well there you have it; once again I have cut through the manure of Polit­i­cal cor­rect­ness, and solved another soci­o­log­i­cal prob­lem. I bid you all adieu; I must take my leave as I have vol­un­teered to babysit the neighbor’s kid

“Oh Timmy… I have a sur­prise for you…”

Pro­fes­sor Odd Poet

(The above is an excerpt from a schol­arly Tome sub­mit­ted to the New Eng­land Jour­nal of Soci­o­log­i­cal Research)